It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Once we have basic shelter, it is important to emphasize the quality of the fellowship rather than the quality of the furniture. Harmony at home is priceless.
After a hard day at work, we need rest and recuperation at home, but fighting with spouses can turn a haven into a war zone. This important truth is repeated verbatim at: When is a house no longer a home? and almost verbatim at Proverbs 21:19.
Many marriages are ruined when financial success is put above family success. Materialism ruins marriages. A home’s internal peace is more valuable than its size or elegance.
Classic Comments
A house may look like a palace but, if the wife is, as John Gill (d. 1771) describes, contentious—“always noisy and quarrelsome, her violent passions, her storming language, and thundering voice”—all the joy is shattered. Even a large elegant house, designed for feasts and celebrations, becomes, in the words of Matthew Henry (d. 1774), “unfit for the enjoyments of true friendship. It makes a man ashamed of his choice and his management and disturbs his company.”
Note Matthew Henry’s further commentary:
What a great affliction it is to a man to have a brawling scolding woman for his wife, who upon every occasion and often upon no occasion, breaks out into a passion, and chides either him or those about her, is fretful to herself and furious to her children and servants, and, in both, vexatious to her husband. If a man has a wide house, spacious and pompous, this will embitter the comfort of it to him. (Emphasis added.)
What About Horrible Husbands?
The proverb deals with the problem of a domineering, controlling wife. What about horrible husbands? Husbands fail fail in two basic ways: They are either too passive or too harsh in their leadership. God has designed men to lead lovingly, as servant leaders, but if they are passive (as Adam failed to challenge the serpent corrupting Eve, Genesis 3:1-6), wives are frustrated. Likewise, harsh husbands, abusing their wives, destroy the domestic peace. After the Fall, God warns (Genesis 3:16) that Adam will now “rule over” his wife, with the Hebrew word better translated as “dominate” (as in the International Standard Version). God laments, as a result of their rebellion, that Adam will now subjugate his wife, rather than lovingly lead her. Dr. Raymond C. Ortland, Jr. explains, “The word ‘rule’ would now be construed as the exercise of ungodly [emphasis added] domination.”1 So, whether from irresponsible passivity or harsh domination, a wife can easily be frustrated into nagging the husband to mend his ways.
And sometimes there is another indirect cause for marital strife.
Adoring Assets Rather than Each Other
Another contributing factor to bitter households is “stuff.” Unbridled devotion and endless maintenance of property and furnishings can leave both spouses with insufficient time and energy for each other. Many couples end up loving things and using people, instead of loving people and using things. This is enabled by easy credit, so people buy much more than they need. Too much “stuff” brings cluttered lives, and greed poisons harmony of the home. Ironically, even a big house provides no place to escape.
Separation, Not Divorce
The text does not recommend divorce and re-marriage as a solution for a troubled home. It doesn’t advise changing houses for another, more compliant woman. Indirectly, the text makes the housing—temporary and changeable—subordinate to the lifelong marriage. Physical separation and uncomfortable lodging are recommended over living together in hostility. Matthew Henry wrote, “It is better to be alone than to be joined to one who, instead of being a meet-help, is a great hindrance to the comfort of life.” She may be beautiful. She may be brilliant. But if she acts like a bully, it’s best to separate.
Matthew Henry observes that rather than fighting back at his wife, the hassled husband should:
…retire into a corner of the house-top, and sit alone there, out of the hearing of her clamour; and if he employ himself well there, as he may do, it is the wisest course he can take. Better do so than quit the house, and go into bad company, for diversion, as many, who, like Adam, make their wife’s sin the excuse of their own.
His point is insightful. It’s better to break off the relationship (hopefully temporarily) and suffer some deprivation of comfort rather than violating God’s plan for marriage by seeking a new relationship. This doesn’t mean divorce or moving out of the house; perhaps sleeping somewhere differently, but in the same house. Hopefully, it’s for a short time, and counselling helps.
Our Maker, Saviour, and Friend
Jesus said that Moses, under divine guidance, permitted divorce.
But divorce is NOT God's preferred solution to a troubled marriage.
God is very clear on how He feels about divorce. He said “I hate divorce.” God goes on to say “take heed to your spirit [not your assets] and don’t deal treacherously,” (Malachi 2:16).
- Memorize the text in your favourite Bible translation and think about it often.
- Work hard towards harmony in the house.
- Don’t buy more than you need, otherwise increased stress will ruin the enjoyment of the house. If you have too much consider drastic downsizing (selling) assets in order to free up time for family rather than asset maintenance.
- Toggle through this website on keywords: better life (quality) and contrast it with more assets (quantity). It’s amazing how most of Western society has been tricked into believing that more assets result in a better life.
Which of these steps, if any, does Jesus want you to take now? Ask Him.
Related Illustration1Piper, John, and Wayne Gudem. Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism. Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1991. P109.